It happens. Finding someone whose personality draws you in and you really enjoy.
It happens because there is such a thing as a natural connection between people. You sense that they ‘get you.’ You understand and appreciate their way of approaching life. Their thoughts, their emotions, their way of responding to situations – it all just makes a lot of sense to you. You simply like that person, and you know they feel the same.
But it can cause real issues when that favorite is one of your children. When you allow yourself, unknowingly or deliberately, to show your favoritism, it can easily cause personality and relationship problems for the child who is so special to you.
But let’s talk about your other kids first. You love them with all your heart, no doubt about that. And you probably are doing your best to provide love, security, shelter and food for them. You most likely don’t see yourself as doing any harm whatsoever to their self-esteem.
But young ones are not blind to your favoritism. When it comes to the pecking order in your household, they can sense and understand where they rank. And believe me, they know they stand on a lower rung of the ladder than That One.
Not only is ‘standing lower’ damaging to their own sense of self, but think about how it drives them to feel resentment and understandable jealousy of That One. And in some situations, having to deny that they are feeling those very emotions.
“You shouldn’t act that way toward your sister, son, you should love her. Now go apologize and play nice together.”
Now let’s talk about the favorite. Being the favored one who is treated as special causes that child a multitude of problems. Holding the unspoken title as The King of All Us Kids In Our Family invariably creates a sense of entitlement. Not a great position to be in, when learning how to have healthy relationships. In childhood and later as an adult. Feeling that “I should be first, just because I am me,” or, “I want it, so naturally I should have it,” are real death-dealers when it comes to marriage and work situations.
Parent, realize that you are creating a person who is not very easy to be around. Others who are forced to be with entitled people, quickly peg them as self-centered takers. Resentment soon rears its ugly head and struggles follow as they try to establish some fairness in the relationship.
Do your natural favorite a huge favor. Back off. Take a long-distance look at what you are doing. How you are treating all your kids.
You may always be naturally drawn to That One, but you need to learn to not let it control your behavior. Love your favorite. Discipline your favorite. And treat that one equally. For the sake of your favorite.
And also for the emotional well-being of all your other children.
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